Sunday, December 8, 2013

28 Reasons You’re Better Off Never Having Kids

1. Your sleeping schedule won’t revolve around when another tiny human feels sleepy.

Your sleeping schedule won't revolve around when another tiny human feels sleepy.
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec / Via en.wikipedia.org

2. This means you can take naps without worrying a child is burning down the house while you slumber.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Universal Pictures / Via usvsth3m.com

3. You can curse freely around your home without worrying you’re being overheard by impressionable little goblins.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
HBO

4. As it turns out, adults without children are less likely to suffer from depression.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Millenium Films

5. You won’t need to stress about your body basically exploding from the agony of childbirth.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Fox Searchlight

6. Other people’s kids remain fun and cute in your eyes, because you only have to experience them in small doses.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids

7. If you want to have a little White Wine in the Nighttime™ you can, because you have no kids to watch after. Vive la fête!

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids

8. You won’t worry about messing up as a parent and accidentally raising a monster.


Warner Brothers

Warner Brothers

9. Bathroom time is blissfully uninterrupted by noisy children. You could die in the bathroom if you wanted to. You have that luxury.


Fisher-Price

Fisher-Price

10. It costs $241,080 to raise a kid. Think of everything you could buy with that money.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Nickelodeon / Via BVSXDWXRLD
96,432 tacos, for starters.

11. Since you’ve got more cash on hand, you can take spontaneous vacations without having to make special accommodations for your child.

Since you've got more cash on hand, you can take spontaneous vacations without having to make special accommodations for your child.

12. If you want, you can even move to a new city on a whim.

If you want, you can even move to a new city on a whim.

13. The only tantrums you’ll have to deal with are your own fits of rage when the Seamless app crashes.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Paramount Pictures / Via crushable.com

14. Your life will be blissfully free of bodily fluids that aren’t your own.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
NBC
…unless that’s something you’re into, in which case, live yo’ life.

15. You can fill your home with fancy, sharp-edged furniture and not worry a toddler might bash his head on the corner of your vintage Paul McCobb coffee table.

You can fill your home with fancy, sharp-edged furniture and not worry a toddler might bash his head on the corner of your vintage Paul McCobb coffee table.

16. You get to buy modern lucite furniture that won’t get covered in tiny smudgy handprints.

17. You can purchase nice clothes for yourself that won’t be immediately destroyed by toxic baby barf.


Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures

18. Even if you’re poor, all you have to do is think, At least I don’t have to buy diapers right now and suddenly you feel rich beyond measure.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids

19. If you feel lonely, you know you don’t need a kid to fill the void. That’s what cats, dogs, and houseplants are for, and you don’t have to put a houseplant through college.

20. Since you don’t have tots of your own, you get to invest all your time in being the cool aunt or uncle.

Since you don't have tots of your own, you get to invest all your time in being the cool aunt or uncle.

21. You’ll never have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining puberty…

You'll never have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining puberty...

22. …let alone the dreaded sex talk. *shudder*

...let alone the dreaded sex talk. *shudder*

23. Speaking of sex, you get to have it wherever you want without the fear of a child walking in on you.

Speaking of sex, you get to have it wherever you want without the fear of a child walking in on you.
Disney / Pixar / Via buzzfeed.com

24. You don’t have to give up your hobbies. You can ↓↘→+P for the rest of your amazing, fun, childfree life.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Cartoon Network

25. Since there are no kiddos running around, you get to watch porn whenever you want!

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
Relativity Media

26. It’ll be so much easier to save for a comfortable retirement. Did you know they have Wii systems in retirement homes now?

It'll be so much easier to save for a comfortable retirement. Did you know they have Wii systems in retirement homes now?

27. In your old age, you can get weird without people worrying about the burden you’re placing on your poor children.

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids

28. Being child-free makes being an adult that much more fun!

28 Reasons You're Better Off Never Having Kids
AMC