Dating Rules for a Cop's daughter... Be afraid! lol
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d
better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as hell not picking
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during
the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world,
s/e/x without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to s/e/x, I am the barrier, and I will k/i/l/l you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to
get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues
of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “Early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like the dishes, or
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown parka – zipped up
to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or se*xual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks’ homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to
my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your going out and with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
f#%k with me.